Bonding Through Sex and Touch
Hold Me Tight: Bonding Through Sex and Touch
One thing that Hollywood movies tend to get wrong is that in relationships, passion always seems to fade. This is not necessarily the case. We’re taught that after a few years in our romantic relationships – especially marriage – we’ll eventually settle into being comfortable and not having to try anymore, effectively extinguishing the fire in the relationship, and subsequently the frequency that a couple is having sex. We think that eventually, sex will become the end in itself – a way to achieve orgasm, of feeling satisfied for a few weeks before having to do it again. Another result of this, however, is that both partners begin to feel alienated from one another. The feeling that a partner is only wanting sex for the sake of it rather than because of any genuine attraction towards the other person can feel really cheap, but what we should all try to re-learn, and a core premise of most relationship counselling, is that bonding and a secure relationship really go hand-in-hand with sex.
They feed off of each other in a symbiotic relationship and end up enhancing one another because sex can be a really great and meaningful bonding experience if done lovingly. It’s a cycle of sorts – emotional connection creates great sex, and great sex creates a deeper emotional connection. When both partners are emotionally available, responsive, and feel safe and secure in the relationship, sex can be really intimate and truly about making love.
Although it’s not everything in a relationship, satisfied partners tend to see sex as one of the many sources of pleasure and intimacy in a relationship, while those in insecure relationships tend to view it as a source of trouble and rift. The reason why is because typically, if a couple is having romantic problems, sex is usually the first thing that gets negatively impacted. This means that the connection between both people is fading, and they no longer feel safe with one another, leading to overall less frequency and satisfaction in their sex life.
In the same way that great sex and emotional connection are a cyclical relationship, the same is true of a couple with a weak/absent bond. No safe bond leads to no sex, and no sex leads to no safe bond.
There are three kinds of sex:
1. Sealed-Off Sex
In this type, the ultimate goal is to achieve orgasm. It typically happens in partners who have never been able to trust one another and subsequently refuse to open up to the other person. In this type, relieving sexual tension is the hope, and the focus is on sensation rather than intimacy with the other person. As expected, this type can be extremely toxic to a romantic relationship, as it can lead to either (or both) partners feeling objectified rather than loved and valued.
2. Solace Sex
In this type, the sex isn’t really about the sex. It’s about wanting to feel wanted and desired, and the means to achieve this end is through sex. It’s typically rooted in anxiety and depending on another person to make oneself feel valued. Although it can keep a relationship afloat for a while, it can feed into negative cycles and habits in the relationship which ends up amplifying the demon dialogues. It can end up driving a couple apart because it means that being physical is no longer about love and intimacy, but the main purpose is to tamp down attachment anxiety.
3. Synchrony Sex
The last of the types of sex is generally the ideal. It’s what happens when emotional openness/responsiveness and eroticism hold hands. It’s the way that sex is supposed to be. It’s fulfilling, satisfying, and amplifies the connection between two people, and effectively brings the relationship into physical and emotional harmony. It’s what happens when lovers are safely attuned to one another’s inner and outer worlds, and this translates very well to inside the bedroom. These types of partners can fearlessly reveal their vulnerabilities and desires without worrying about rejection, making the experience incredibly freeing and foreign to a lot of people. Ultimately, synchrony sex is the ideal situation in most relationships, and the end goal for most couples’ therapy.
Unlike what we learn in Hollywood movies, we can fall in love with the same person again and again, and this type of secure emotional connection ultimately pays off in major ways in the bedroom. We can still feel the excitement in a long-term relationship, and when that excitement is coupled with security and confidence, it can have incredible impacts on both people and the relationship as a whole.
Passion is not constant. It naturally fluctuates in a relationship with low points and high points, and although it can strike a nerve or even an attachment fear, openly talking about these fluctuations through a safe and secure bond will prevent problems from arising because of it.
As Dr. Sue Johnson puts it: “Keeping your physical relationship open, responsive, and engaged helps keep your emotional connection strong”.
Many couples have said that once their connection has been re-stabilized, their sex life improved drastically and almost automatically. Seek a free 15-minute consultation with Relationship Counselling Toronto to learn how couples therapy can support your relationship in getting back on track.
