Engaging and Connecting
Hold Me Tight: Engaging and Connecting
While the last three conversations have been about finding ways to reconnect after a big blowout, this next one – Hold Me Tight: Engaging and Connecting – is simply about those moments of togetherness that remind us that we are in a committed relationship with someone we once fell in love with. According to Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight book, those instances of intense connection with your partner are not only fun and exciting, but the foundation of a healthy, happy relationship, and they don’t only happen in the honeymoon phase!
Granted, we do tend to feel the most connected with our partner while we are in the process of falling in love and over time that attachment can seem like it’s fading, but if we want our relationships to succeed, we have to be willing and able to bond with our partner in a similar manner as we once did before. You might be wondering – how do we do this??
(Un)fortunately, the answer is somehow at the same time both simple and difficult. The answer is that we must deliberately create such moments of engagement and connection, which is hard to do! It’s nearly impossible if your relationship is standing on sand instead of cement, and this is where it gets complicated. There needs to be that basic foundation of feeling safe and supported in order for that connection to be sought and executed by either one – or both – of you.
There are two parts to creating that foundation of safety, and they can be done in the presence of a professional relationship counsellor, or you can do it by yourselves at home if you feel that you don’t need that third-party to facilitate the conversation. The two parts of the conversation are as follows:
1. What Am I Most Afraid Of?
The aim of this question is for the two of you to gain a deeper understanding of the raw and hidden emotions that were discussed in the previous three conversations. With greater emotional clarity, both you and your partner will have a much better grasp on what the other person needs, and it could lead to individual development as well! As long as we are willing to be vulnerable with ourselves, the benefits are countless.
2. What Do I Need Most from You?
As a follow-up to the first part, asking this question to our partner gives us the opportunity to reflect on and share our needs in such a way that opens up the space between a couple for vulnerable dialogue. Through this conversation, we become able to share our own attachment fears, and we have the opportunity to communicate clearly to our partners how they can satisfy such emotional needs. Dr. Sue Johnson states that fear and longing are two sides of the same coin, and in one swift motion, this conversation helps you and your partner address and respond to both sides.
While having these conversations, try to eliminate as many distractions as possible, and listen – really listen – to what your partner is saying. Just like in couples therapy, look at one another as you’re talking and get yourself in the mindset for the kind of emotional presence that one needs for this level of connection to occur.
In preparation, reflect on and list the things that you need the most to feel secure in your relationship and loved by your partner, but if you’re feeling stuck, not to worry! Simply refer to pages 162-164 of Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight book for some prompts to get you both started, or contact Relationship Counselling Toronto for experienced and knowledgeable relationship counsellors to guide you through the process of couples therapy.
